January 29, 2008

To Beard or Not To Beard

To beard or not to beard: that is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler to let my quarterback go out there alone, or whether I need to show my solidarity.

These questions began to itch me a few days ago. I was getting a little scruffy looking because in the tropical stupor that is Fort Myers Beach I had forgotten to shave for a few days. Then the story hit the papers about the injured ankle of Tom Brady, quarterback of the Super Bowl bound New England Patriots. He was spotted in New York with a protective boot on his right ankle when he was delivering flowers to his supermodel girlfriend. It just clicked for me. I have been wearing a supportive wrap on my right knee and I once gave flowers to my wife. Boy, Tom and I really are alike.

The picture above is Tom Brady. I know, you thought it was me. Many have made that mistake. I just can’t pass by a cologne counter without being mobbed by women who think I am the guy in the ads. They wanted me to do an ad, but I no longer possess a suit coat or a shirt with a collar and so I declined.

I am worried about the injured Tom. He needs my help. So in a show of solidarity I have changed from “forgetting to shave” to “growing a beard.” It was not such a great leap.

Notice Tom’s beard in the picture. The scruffy look is all the rage. It is not as big a rage in the campground as it is in Manhattan and in LA, but I know it will catch on soon. I am just an early adopter.

I want to show you how well my beard is coming along:

I know, most of you think that I am substituting a picture of Johnny Depp, but it really is me. Depp is the other guy that people get me confused with a lot – Brady/Depp, Depp/Brady. I am very careful about which pirate ships I board. Fort Myers Beach boasts a pirate ship for kids. I know where to go if I ever need a job.

Growing a beard is not as easy as it looks. I tried once before, about fifteen years ago, and I failed. Like Tom Brady on the field, I have a problem with gap coverage. A beard with gaps is not a good thing. And a defense that does not fill the gaps is in trouble.

I am hoping that in the last fifteen years I have become more macho. I certainly have been busy embracing my masculine. I am not sure that my fragile ego can take another failure or wait another fifteen years to try again.

So on Super Bowl Sunday Tom Brady will be on the field with his ankle heavily taped and I will be in my RV watching with my knee lightly wrapped. Our beards will be growing. If one of us loses, I can always say that I forgot to shave. I am not sure what Tom’s excuse will be. He may have “to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,” as the Bard wrote.

Bard/beard, beard/Bard. Get it? It all is carefully tied together. Scary, isn’t it.


Anonymous said...

I wanted to let you know how much I've enjoyed your postings. They are good for a laugh in a good way. I see a trend developing. First the comments about Arlo's hair and now the stuff with the beard. Piercings and tatoos are sure to follow! We are really looking forward to seeing the updated picture of you tanned, tatooed, pierced and hairy. I guess we are always a work in progress. Just don't wander into the wrong place during hunting season.

Jim Hession said...


I am glad that you are enjoying following my takes on life. You definitely are prescient about the topic of my next post. Watch for it!