February 25, 2005

Donuts for Sex

You never know when just the right information will hit your email inbox. Atkins Nutritionals sent me the following official information: “Losing weight can improve your sex life.” Seven little words have changed my life.

It thought that things like a weekend of tantra at Shalom Mountain would improve my sex life. But it seems that the key to ecstasy is shedding pounds. I cannot wait to get started.

I have a problem when it comes to dieting. I do not have pounds to spare. So I am going to have to gain weight in order to diet.

This is like the double bonus on Jeopardy. Instead of buying a lifetime gym membership, I am calling Krispy Kreme today. I want a permanent seat next to the luscious waterfall of liquid sugar that cascades over each donut as it comes down the assembly line. A small side funnel should not hurt the flow.

And where is all of the leftover Valentine’s candy? I am ready for it now. How far off is Halloween?

I figure it will take me a week to gain twenty pounds. And then it will take about two years to lose it. Who cares? For two years my sex life will be improving every day. Talk about learning to suffer!

At the end of two years of constant enjoyment, I will have to slink my way back to Krispy Kreme to start the cycle all over again. I will be the one who looks tired but is wearing a big smile.