Thanksgiving by ESPN

Thanksgiving is traditionally a time to express gratitude. We say thank you for all that we have. In my house we are especially thankful for all the cooking done by my wife. But saying thank you is not enough and this year I want to do more.

Preparation of the holiday feast falls on my wife’s shoulders, as in many American households. I am determined to lighten her burden this year and I have signed up as her official assistant. In past years I have helped here and there, but this year I really want to be there for her. I want to be her Sous Chef – no, I want to be her Do Chef. Whatever she needs done, I will do it. Whatever. Whenever. I will be there.

And I don’t want her to have to be calling to me all day and begging me to do stuff. So I have devised a fool proof system which will build on the strength of our long term marriage.

She is going to send her instructions to me by mental telepathy and I will receive them using Extra-Sensory Perception (ESP.) In my house we call this ESPN because it is an acronym that is easier for me to remember. She will think, “I need him to mash the potatoes,” and I will leap from my seat in front of one of the three football games that are on today and run to the kitchen to complete the task. The ESPN will run in only one direction because I do not want her to hear what I think or say to myself when she sends me instructions. It is hard to be filled with gratitude for an entire day.

Another important aspect to this new system is that it has been set up to be an experiment because we will need scientific evidence that it works. Therefore, my wife cannot supplement her mental instructions with verbal ones. If by some chance I miss one of her messages during a really important play, then in that one instance she will have to carry on alone.

At the end of the day we are going to review the results. I may not be home by then so we will do it by telephone conference. If I were home her verbal report might have interference from all that ESPN stuff still floating around. And I want this to work well for her. It is all about her.

I just know this is going to be one big success. I can’t wait for Christmas. I wonder what games will be on?