November 27, 2007

Leaf Wars

I am ready for them this year. I have always been prepared, but this year I have changed the readiness status to “High Alert.” This year I will win.

I’m talking about leaves, and not just any leaves. I am talking about those sneaky kamikaze leaves from the Norway Maple and the Oak tree near my hot tub. They have spent all year since their budding last spring to find a way to infiltrate my hot tub. I will not have it!

I used to have a love affair with leaves. Check out my essay “The Burning Shirt.” But my raking days are now over, and these new pilot leaves are taunting me and trying to make my life miserable – even more miserable than it usually is.

Here’s the problem. If I take a nice long soak in my hot tub on a breezy day, the leaves try to join me. They do not combine to increase the water quality. They are the enemy.

Today was a particularly bad day with large gusts. So I got in there and assumed the position. I stood naked in the middle of the tub in my best defensive karate position. I don’t know any karate positions but I have seen enough kung fu movies. I fought off the incoming salvos of those persnickety pesky perpetrators.

My wife says that the sight of me alone should be enough to scare them away. I am not sure about that. I think that I need more.

After dark I am going to go out there again. I will turn the flood lights on the trees to illuminate their pernicious off casts. And I will light the glowing blue of the hot tub so as to back light me in my warrior glory. A scuba mask and shield of some sort will protect me. I will bay at them. Those twirling last twists of dying protoplasm will know that I mean business!

Victory is mine!

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