December 17, 2007

Flim Flam Flan



Flim, Flan, flan. It sounds like a Latin declension. I spent hours memorizing those in high school. But this is not Latin class. This is flan class.

I recently was called upon to make flan for a family member who was ill. Only an ill family member could get me to make flan. Flan is a cream based dessert, or so says wikipedia. I am one of the original dessert kings, but there are certain desserts which will not pass my lips: tapioca, custard and flan. There is a trend there somewhere.

The recipe on the little Jello box does not seem difficult. Pour the caramel packet in the bowl. Pour the dry packet into a pan and stir in four cups of milk. Bring it to a boil over medium heat while stirring constantly.

The nasty part was “stirring constantly.” I had to stand still next to the stove for what seemed like hours while stirring constantly.

I do not like to stand still. I like to multitask. But I did not want to report to the ill family member how I burnt the only package of flan in the house. So I stood still and stirred.

My back hates to stand still. It revolts and sends pains darting in all different directions. It wants to weave and bob but I cannot do so while attached to a hot pan by a wooden spoon.

Oh what we do for love.

I have been trying to think of what other activities require one to stand still for long periods of time.

Getting fitted for a suit. I can’t remember the last time I did that. They were still making cuffs.

Standing at attention in the Army. I have never been in the Army.

Waiting in line for tickets to the Red Sox. I only know people who do this.

My conclusion is that making flan is a unique torturous activity. I think it is on the short list of banned activities of the CIA. The pain of making flan must be right up there with child birth. Fortunately, I have not been there either.

Flim, flam, flan. I’m done, done, done.

December 15, 2007

Little Red Shoveler


I have been shoveling for only fifty-two of my fifty-seven years. I took off the first five years of my life and did not start in earnest until I was six. I was resting up. I knew how hard this type of work was in New England.

At six I took up my little red shovel and tromped door to door looking for paid shoveling jobs. I was a specialist in sidewalks. I never gave estimates. I would leave my pay to the kind hearts of my customers. Some were more kind hearted than others, parting with their dimes and quarters. This was not high stake shoveling.

As I aged significantly to eight, ten and twelve, the jobs got bigger, the pay a little better, and the work a lot harder. But I could bear down. Bend over and hump that long side of the driveway! Leverage that back!

The 2007 version of that shoveler has mellowed - not out of choice, but by necessity. My back just will not do what it once could do without pain. I now try to use my legs more. But mostly I take smaller bites of the snow, work slower, rest a lot and hire a plow to do most of the work.

The latest storm and my snow plow guy left a lot of clean up for me. I had to clear out a path for my motorhome so that I could soon make my escape to Florida. And my hot tub needed to be released from the grip of winter. Are you feeling bad for me yet?

But after all the work was done, I felt a lot like that six year old boy. We put away our little red shovel, we took off our snow suit and left it on the floor, and we took a nap.

December 13, 2007

Yoga Imbecile Drowns in Hot Tub

This is the headline that you could have been reading this morning. I was out doing my normal exercise routine in the hot tub. I start with 1,223 laps with flip turns. The laps are short, about 1.5 yards each, so I think that most of the aerobic content is in the turns.

Then I moved on to some vigorous yoga postures. I begin with Mountain Pose, or as it is known in Sanskrit, "someone's sticky." This is a real thrill for my neighbors. Cobra is good if I can keep my head above water. If not, it is bad.

My downfall today was the Headstand. It started out so well.






But in the bat of a closed wet eyelid it came undone. I was tumbling backward and diving down to the deep of the hot tub. I cracked my head on the sharp ledge. Was this it? Was this how it all would end?

I cried for help in an underwater way:




Fortunately my photographer, who is always standing by, came to my rescue.

I did one final yoga pose. In english it is called Embarassed.


December 6, 2007

Puck of Gold

As I get older, seemingly innocuous activities have a way of dredging up memories from deep in the past.

I have been helping my friend pack up his house to move after twenty-five years. Much of my energy has been in the basement and you all know what treasures are kept in the basement. Unearthed were the drum his dad made him, a large family reunion portrait showing his dad at a young age, his bow and arrow set, a small chair handed down by an aunt, his dad’s tools and so much more. My friend is a sentimental guy and each piece had a story attached to it. It felt like an archaeological dig with audio identifiers. It was rich.

As we unearthed more and more over the days, I thought back to my own storehouse of childhood riches. Mine is not really a storehouse because I am not much of a collector. I have the “kitty stool” from my home, so named because of the embroidered kitty that once covered it. In a basement box is a coal grate that my mother and I once gleaned from the dump. The well worn shoe shine brush of my school days sits unused on a basement shelf. Do they even sell shoe polish anymore? I have three pictures of me from my childhood and the one with my dad and brother sits on my bureau. A varsity letter is tucked in one of my bureau drawers. But that’s about it.

I used to have more, but during one cross country move I became vicious about throwing out old stuff. Out went the ten inch silver bowl that I won as second medalist in my local Jaycee golf tournament as a teenager. It was a pretty fancy trophy for a dinky little tournament. Out went a collection of little trophies from baseball and hockey. I thought that I was just too old to be holding onto this stuff. And out went my gold puck.

Several years later the gold puck reappeared in my life. The phone rang and an unfamiliar voice said,

“Is this Jimmy Hession?”

“Yes,” I answered with a questioning tone since only a few family members and some childhood friends call me “Jimmy.”

“Is this the Jimmy Hession that scored the winning goal in the CYO championship hockey game for St. Mary’s in 1967?”

“Yes it is.”

I can remember that goal in complete slow motion detail even though it was forty years ago. Some would say it was because I did not score many goals. I was fore checking the puck at the blue line. On the left board the defenseman tried to flick a pass by me but I kicked it forward and broke in alone on the goalie. I was coming in at an angle and as the goalie came out to meet me I slid the puck to my backhand and scored into the open net. I had been practicing that move in my basement for years.

On the phone was the team captain who had read an obituary for my mother in my old hometown’s newspaper. He liked to keep track of the players on the team, so he called me and we caught up. He filled me in on the whereabouts of many of our teammates and he sent me the original team picture. And then I thought of the gold puck.

After our victory we had a team dinner at the church hall. In front of each place setting was a favor: a hockey puck spray painted gold with the player’s number stenciled in black. Mine was “13.”

I remember the last time I handled that puck. It was in 1996 during that cross country move. I hesitated just before I threw it in the trash - maybe I should keep it? No. I was too old to be keeping these things.

There is an old Irish saying, “At the end of every rainbow is a puck of gold.” Or something like that. I miss my puck of gold. I miss my old number 13. I miss my childhood.

It is easy to rationalize my actions. I was saving my children the trouble of throwing out all of this junk when I am gone. But a hockey puck is not too large. They could have held it and wondered what it was all about. Or maybe they would have remembered the story about the day their dad was a champion.

It was only a small spray painted hunk of rubber, but I wish that I still had it in a box somewhere. It was the last tangible connection to an important day in an important time in my life. It was my puck of gold.

December 2, 2007

Forever Young

What age are you? No, I am not asking how old you are. I am asking, what is your internal age? What age are you in your head when you think of yourself? The forty-two year old character in The Gum Thief by Douglas Coupland claims, “It’s usually thirty to thirty-four. Nobody is forty in their head. When it comes to your internal age, chin wattles and relentless liver spots mean nothing.”

I am not asking how old you look when you look in the mirror. Forget about that lying visage. The lights are too bright and the images too sharp. Think darker. Think smokier. Think inside your head.

Twenty-two. That’s the age at which I live in my head. I think that there is a Sinatra song about it. “When I was twenty-two / it was a very good year.” Unfortunately any reference to Frank Sinatra is not a positive age reference. It certainly dates me.

When I think about myself, I first notice my hair. It is forever dark brown and bountiful. It flops across my forehead like an early Beatles haircut. (Another dated reference.) And it is with that hair that at age twenty-two I was in my prime. I had just finished my first year of law school and my grades were good. I was going to make it in the lawyer world.

And I was about to get married. I was crazy in love and looking forward to many years of marital bliss. Life was great. You can see it in the wedding pictures. Just notice my hair! At age twenty-two my life was filled with newness, excitement and possibility. Isn’t that the way life should always be?

Forever young. It is the youth in me that carries me forward. It is the innocence, the naiveté, the bravado that only the young possess. Bob Dylan captured it best in “Forever Young:”

May your hands always be busy,
May your feet always be swift,
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift.
May your heart always be joyful,
May your song always be sung,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.

What age are you?

November 27, 2007

Leaf Wars

I am ready for them this year. I have always been prepared, but this year I have changed the readiness status to “High Alert.” This year I will win.

I’m talking about leaves, and not just any leaves. I am talking about those sneaky kamikaze leaves from the Norway Maple and the Oak tree near my hot tub. They have spent all year since their budding last spring to find a way to infiltrate my hot tub. I will not have it!

I used to have a love affair with leaves. Check out my essay “The Burning Shirt.” But my raking days are now over, and these new pilot leaves are taunting me and trying to make my life miserable – even more miserable than it usually is.

Here’s the problem. If I take a nice long soak in my hot tub on a breezy day, the leaves try to join me. They do not combine to increase the water quality. They are the enemy.

Today was a particularly bad day with large gusts. So I got in there and assumed the position. I stood naked in the middle of the tub in my best defensive karate position. I don’t know any karate positions but I have seen enough kung fu movies. I fought off the incoming salvos of those persnickety pesky perpetrators.

My wife says that the sight of me alone should be enough to scare them away. I am not sure about that. I think that I need more.

After dark I am going to go out there again. I will turn the flood lights on the trees to illuminate their pernicious off casts. And I will light the glowing blue of the hot tub so as to back light me in my warrior glory. A scuba mask and shield of some sort will protect me. I will bay at them. Those twirling last twists of dying protoplasm will know that I mean business!

Victory is mine!

November 22, 2007

Thanksgiving by ESPN

Thanksgiving is traditionally a time to express gratitude. We say thank you for all that we have. In my house we are especially thankful for all the cooking done by my wife. But saying thank you is not enough and this year I want to do more.

Preparation of the holiday feast falls on my wife’s shoulders, as in many American households. I am determined to lighten her burden this year and I have signed up as her official assistant. In past years I have helped here and there, but this year I really want to be there for her. I want to be her Sous Chef – no, I want to be her Do Chef. Whatever she needs done, I will do it. Whatever. Whenever. I will be there.

And I don’t want her to have to be calling to me all day and begging me to do stuff. So I have devised a fool proof system which will build on the strength of our long term marriage.

She is going to send her instructions to me by mental telepathy and I will receive them using Extra-Sensory Perception (ESP.) In my house we call this ESPN because it is an acronym that is easier for me to remember. She will think, “I need him to mash the potatoes,” and I will leap from my seat in front of one of the three football games that are on today and run to the kitchen to complete the task. The ESPN will run in only one direction because I do not want her to hear what I think or say to myself when she sends me instructions. It is hard to be filled with gratitude for an entire day.

Another important aspect to this new system is that it has been set up to be an experiment because we will need scientific evidence that it works. Therefore, my wife cannot supplement her mental instructions with verbal ones. If by some chance I miss one of her messages during a really important play, then in that one instance she will have to carry on alone.

At the end of the day we are going to review the results. I may not be home by then so we will do it by telephone conference. If I were home her verbal report might have interference from all that ESPN stuff still floating around. And I want this to work well for her. It is all about her.

I just know this is going to be one big success. I can’t wait for Christmas. I wonder what games will be on?