November 25, 1995

Cold Sweat

In the movie, “The American President,” President Andrew Shepherd receives a blistering personal attack by his opponents and he sits for months and does not respond. Then, finally, he has had enough and he appears before the press, answers the charges and gives a rousing speech about character and the American Presidency. I wanted to stand up and cheer. It raised my energy levels to the sky and made me sweat on a cold November day.

“Go get him Andy,” I wanted to say.

“You showed them. You’re a man. This is what men do. Men show up, rise up and GO GET THEM.”

They go and get them. They do something about it. They do the big thing that needs to be done. That is what manhood is all about. It’s about getting off your ass and going out and doing something big no matter what is in the way and no matter what the cost. That’s warrior energy. That’s the real thing.

I left the theater ready to start a new career--something BIG! I could do it. I did it before. That is what a real man would do.

I find this energy manic and unreliable. And yet it is the energy which our society glorifies and accepts. By failing to act on this energy, I lose my place in the mainstream. I do not belong in the same way that I belonged before. It is a loss.

I know all too well what is on the other side of the mania. I recognize its false promise so quickly now. I am no longer fooled--at least not for too long. That energy is merely on the surface and it does not compare to what is down inside. Underneath is a quiet, raw power being stoked by the ordinary of the every day. I am preparing so that I will be ready. I do not know what I am getting ready for, but when it comes I will be ready. I feel kind of old to be in training, but age is one of the requirements for my future work. And I am getting more and more training each day.

I wanted to yell, “I’m with you Mr. President!” but I am not. I am by myself, yet not alone. I am waiting and plotting an unknown crime against inhumanity. It will be worth the wait.

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