October 12, 1995


It’s back again. Why am I always surprised. And why do I call it “it”. It is too forceful and animated to be an it. Maybe it is only a cold. Maybe I just ate some bad food. No, I know that it is back. It is squeezing the back of my eyeballs, always a sure sign. Turned mayonaisse does not do that to me. Only one thing does it--the dreaded “D” word--depression.

It did not sneak in this time. I saw it coming three weeks ago. It is payback for three glorious high energy weeks. I knew on day one of my energy spurt that it would follow and I was powerless to stop it.

Three weeks ago I signed on the bottom line to sell my house. We have raised our children here for ten years. Many personal profound events happened here. I knew it would not be easy to make the transtion. I have always read that moving is one of the more stressful events in life. I guess my body read the same things. As soon as I signed that document, my shoulders and neck began to ache and they have not stopped.

I have accomplished a lot in the last three weeks. The house is so cleaned out that my family is still spinning in the whirlwind. I have read countless books and written many pages. I even conquered the mountain called going online. The energy has surged and pulsed and danced but never waned. I have been riding a horse at full gallop knowing that I would tire and have to stop. My only hope was that I would not fall off and get hurt. The extent of my injuries has not yet been determined. A few more days will tell the tale.

This is not new territory for me. At one time I had the diagnosis of manic depression, but that diagnosis has been removed. It arose from a medication induced manic state and a crash from those lofty heights. Some day I will write about it. So I know what highs and lows are like and I fear them.

My pattern is that high stress induces hypomania, which is a state lower than fully blown mania. which really is a fine state to be in. You would not believe the creativity and productivity of this state. But it is always followed by depression. My body just runs with it for as long as it can and then it collapses. Depression is the antidote. I wish there were another.

I had hoped that I would stay flying until the move was over, but I have another week to go I knew the jig was up yesterday. We were having an eightieth birthday party for my mother-in-law and I was near tears trying to do small tasks like arrange the food on the table. Decisions were too difficult. And I wanted to run from this room which would soon be filled with relatives and friends. I wanted to be alone.

The World Series started last night. I am a big baseball fan and I was looking forward to the pitching duel. But I was asleep before the game started at seven o’clock. Eleven hours later I arose neither refreshed nor invigorated. It is a sunny fall day outside, but I probably will not make it out there.

A friend just called and it was good to hear her voice after several months. I am scheduled to meet some old friends for dinner tonight and I hope that I can get there. The love of others is a strong help through these times.

I am surprised that I am writing this today. Sitting at the computer takes a lot of energy. But this time the depression seems different. It feels like an unwanted invader instead of an old friend. Maybe the tide is turning.

I do not know how long it will last, but I do know that it will end. Knowing that it will end is an enormous step forward for me. In the past I would go for months not believing that it would end. Hope would be gone. Now, hope is a certainty. I will try to be gentle on myself. Maybe it will end quickly and all of these musings will become unnecessary.

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